Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
