Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
