I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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