Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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