Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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