I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
