After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We're not piercing ourselves today.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
