I'm passing your future prison.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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