i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
