god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
