): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
