8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
