You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize