She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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