Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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