the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
