Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
