I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
