we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I need water and some morals
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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