How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
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There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
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I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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