felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Just invented taco cereal.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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