Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
