So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
