I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
40s are totally the cure
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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