apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
