you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
