Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
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Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes