Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!