the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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