Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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