be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
