True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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