Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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