Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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