I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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