If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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