I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
