i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
