oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
