Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
