i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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