Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Randomize
