My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
