Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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