I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
