Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.