remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.