literally had 100 drinks last night.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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