why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
