My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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