a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
