Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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