sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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