i jhust puked up my retainher.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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