Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
