Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
