Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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