In the future we'll all be gay
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
